Carpet is 93% Petroleum and 100% Flammable

Yes indeed fellow Metrobillies. You will get a chemistry and fire safety lesson all in one post. I recently learned that carpet is the "roman candle" of home furnishings. 93% petroleum, according to the United States Carpet and Rug Institute.

It all started when I moved into my nice new pad in a posh area of West Carolina. It was a great place. Nice big picture windows, gas logs, ceramic tile and wall-to-wall carpet. The first day in the house, I couldn't suppress my metro urge to rip out the brand new carpet and make way for some new honduran mahogany laminate flooring. After four sweaty hours cutting and pulling, I finally had the carpet removed and piled 15 feet high in the empty lot next door.

That's when I had the bright idea to dispose of the carpet in a very fast and economical manner. I grabbed a can of WD40 and some matches, and headed toward the towering pile of Berber. I used the WD40 as my makeshift torch to set the carpet ablaze and proceeded to uncap a cold PBR. A few minutes later, my recently divorced neighbor Cleetus came over to check out the scene. He came back with a cooler full of cold ones and a pickup truck full of Ikea furniture his wife purchased, right before she loaded the car and took the kids back to Texarkana. "This ones for you b%#&h!" he exlaimed, as he tossed his brand new IKEA Lerberg Coffee Table on top the pile. I wanted to cry. Not because I felt sorry for him, but because I love IKEA furniture. It scratches my Metro itch but fits my Billy budget. I didn't have the heard to tell him to stop. We cranked up the AC/DC, shotgunned 12 PBRs and kept piling on particleboard furniture while spewing expletives at his exwife.

At about 12:15 AM three fire trucks came roaring down our street. I'll just say the fire chief was not amused. Instead of saving a $40 trip to the local dump, I received a $1200 ticket for conducted a controlled burn without a permit. I argued that the fire was clearly out of control and therefore his ticket was invalid, but he would hear none of it.

Lesson to my metrobilly brethren:
1) carpet is 93% petroleum and 100% flammable
2) fire chiefs carry real handcuffs and have arrest powers
3) be selective about who you allow into your carpet burning circle
"Recently-divorced-unhinged-neighbor-guy" will give you problems 99 times outta 100

Peace Out,
The MetroBilly

World's Ugliest Dog Named After World's Bestest Beer

That's right, you read it here first...unless you read it somwheres else first. The 2009 World's Ugliest Dog hath been knighted. His name is Pabst. That's just too cool 4 school. Since he won first place, he is now Pabts Blue Ribbon winner of the 2009 World's ugliest dog competition. Sweet!

It was a tight race this year. Good thing my aunt Darcy wasn't in the hunt. She'd have run plumb away with the title. Everybody knows I like a good underdog, no pun intended, so I reckon it would be worthwhile to post the almost-winners.

Twitter Back Y'all

Just got back from the city after visiting my highschool buddies. Seems that twitterin' is the new facebookin', so figured I would join the twits. Where I'm from, twitterin' was somethin' the kids on Oxycondone did, or maybe that was tweakin'. I don't rightly recall. My uncle used to widdle alot, so I bet he would be pretty good at twitterin'.

Just please don't tell the boys back in West Carolina that I twitter. A man could get a good floggin' around here for such things. I need to balance my Metro side with my Billy ways, to keep peace amongst my diverse friends and acquaintances. Anyway, twitter me when you get a chance (that just sounds dirty and wrong.)

The Metrobilly

PS: Check out my Metrobilly Iphone. Bad to the Bone.

MetroBilly Sighting!

We found him!

See if you can guess where he is (hint hint...it rhymes with Byrtle Meach)

Great site for fellow Metrobilly wine conosewers - www.redneckwinereview.com

http://www.redneckwinereview.com/

I highly recommend the Brass Knuckle Corkscrew, item number 790234. Great for opening your favorite bottle of Beaujolais, or getting you out of a tough jam at your local honkytonk bar. These are the bees knees...all the rage in West Carolina right now.

Now put on a pair and let's go spill some Claret bro.

You Might be a Metrobilly If...

Okay, yes this is cliche. The obligatory "you know you're a MB if..." However, you mulletheads simply wouldn't let this rest. This one is dedicated to Billy Marrow, who sent me 134 email requests for a Jeff Foxworthy spoof. No doubt, sent from the computer in his mom's basement, in between watching reruns of Sex in the City on his 21" plasma. Smoke 'em if you got 'em Billy, this Bud's for you...

You might be a Metrobilly if...

1. You have memberships at both Sam's Club and Costco, and you've been to both on the same day
2. You recently redecorated your house. Furniture by Crate & Barrel. Singing Billy Bass by Cracker Barrel
3. You once used escargot in a sentence to prove you know what it means (ex. "es car got 4 new tires.")
4. You're at a party and the host offers you a choice between Corona or Bud Light, you ask "are we having steak or fish?"
5. You went to every Nordstrom's in town trying to find your girlfriend a purse that matches your boots
6. You have a framed Mona Lisa over your fireplace, with the face altered to look like Pamela Anderson
7. You cheer for Dale Jr in public, but deep down inside you have a giant mancrush on Jeff Gordon
8. You once wrecked your pickup truck while trying to retrieve a Barry Manilow CD from the floorboard
9. You like your Hamburger Helper with some fava beans and a nice Chianti
   
10. You once walked into Banana Republic wearing a Bass Pro Shop t-shirt, where you found a nice pair of wool-blend pinstriped slacks that go great with your new silk camp shirt

Who is the Metro Billy?

Any guesses?

Myrtle Beach -- MB Style!

Here are some pictures from my most recent Myrtle Beach Vacay.

Here is my ride. I backed in to make a fast getaway, in case the troopers pulled my tags while I was cruising the strip. Suckas.

Here is a picture of me on my hog, in my Tommy Bahama shirt.

My woman 'Nilla. Hot. On her Ducati.

Open Letter to the Repo-man

Yes I missed a payment. But that doesn't give you the right to come stomping in with your muddy boots, getting my new Michael Kors rug all dirty and grubby. And I really don't appreciate the damage to my modular home, as you pulled my restaurant-quality stainless steel gas stove through the living room window. I ran a jackhammer for 26 hours to pay for that stove and I was only 3 days late on the payment. And stay out of the fridge next time. It disgusts me to think of you standing on my brazillian rosewood laminate floor in your wife-beater t-shirt, drinking up all my PBR and woofing down our leftovers from Ruth Chris' steakhouse. I'll be waiting for you next time, with an antique pearl-handled civil war pistol I got while relic hunting in the low-country. Watch your back Repo-man.

Signed,
The Metrobilly

PS: My poodle hates you.