These Are Mobile Homes, Not Mansions

If you're in the market for a mobile home (if you're reading this there's an 87% chance you are) then you should check out the crew down at Cullman Liquidators. They renovate and redecorate old mobile homes. The really have a keen eye for design and get most of the stains off the subfloor (excluding blood and excessive fecal stains.) Hey, you can't win 'em all. Anyway, as you can see from their commercial, they are very low pressure. And Robert Lee (the owner) seems like the kinda guy who be fun to go drinking with.




So if you live in rural Alabama and are in the market for a trailer home (very high correlation), you should head on out to Cullman Liquidators...Buy used and save a bundle!

Yours truly,

The Metrobilly

Man Gets DUI in Motorized Lazy Boy Chair

A man and a DUI and a motorized La-Z-Boy? True. According to a report from the Associated Press, a man named Dennis LeRoy Anderson modified a recliner so he could drive it. He uses a lawnmower motor for his power and even tossed in a stereo so he could jam to his favorite tunes while cruising around, sitting in his recliner.



I located this story when looking for some spare parts for my very own motorized Lazy Boy. I had no idea you could get a DUI in one of these things. Mine even has a built-in cooler sidecar, so I better be careful. I bet they wouldn't have noticed if he didn't recline. You gotta be on your game to stay ahead of smoky.

These things really are bad to the bone. You can go from trailer to trailer, collecting beers, women and barbecue without moving one little finger. Chicks dig it. They know that a man with a motorized Lazy Boy must be a mean of means. Y'all be careful in those Lazy Boy racers. Your jealous neighbors might drop a dime on ya, and then you get a visit from the po po.

Big Dinner Date? All you need is SPAM!

Hello fellow metrobilly followers!

Have you ever been in a situation where you pick up a fine lady or lovely gent at the local Texaco while at the diesel pump? You ask him or her to head to your airstream that evening for dinner, and they say yes.

Then suddenly it dawns on you....what do I cook for our date? I am strapped for cash, and I can't move money from my mutual funds in a few hours in time to buy some Franzia and Brie? What do I do?

The answer is...SPAM. Here are some DEEElicious spam recipes I have collected from my many dates. Feel free to use as needed - I hope you have the same luck I did. Here's to some shotgun weddings!

Spam Spaghetti Carbonara

Ingredients:

1 1/2 lbs spaghetti

4 eggs, slightly beaten

12-oz can SPAM, cubed 1/4"

1/2 cups grated parmesan cheese

1/2 cup chopped onion

1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley

3 tbsp olive oilground pepper

3 tbsp butter

Directions: Cook spaghetti according to package directions. Meanwhile, in skillet cook SPAM and onion in oil and butter over medium heat until lightly browned. Set aside. When spaghetti is cooked, drain; return to pot. Add egs; toss to combine. Add SPAM mixture, cheese and parsley; toss to combine. Season to taste with pepper. Serve immediately.

Cornbread Brocolli Spam Pie

Ingredients:

8 1/2-oz pkg cornbread mix

10-oz pkg frozen broccoli spears, thawed and drained

12-oz can SPAM, cubed 1/2"

1 1/2 cup shredded cheddar cheese

Directions:Heat oven to 400. Prepare cornbread according to package directions. Stir in SPAM. Spread into greased 9" pie plate. Bake for 15 to 20 minutes or until cornbread is almost done. Arrange broccoli spears on top of cornbread; sprinkle with cheese...[continue reading at Blair's Spam Page]

Carpet is 93% Petroleum and 100% Flammable

Yes indeed fellow Metrobillies. You will get a chemistry and fire safety lesson all in one post. I recently learned that carpet is the "roman candle" of home furnishings. 93% petroleum, according to the United States Carpet and Rug Institute.

It all started when I moved into my nice new pad in a posh area of West Carolina. It was a great place. Nice big picture windows, gas logs, ceramic tile and wall-to-wall carpet. The first day in the house, I couldn't suppress my metro urge to rip out the brand new carpet and make way for some new honduran mahogany laminate flooring. After four sweaty hours cutting and pulling, I finally had the carpet removed and piled 15 feet high in the empty lot next door.

That's when I had the bright idea to dispose of the carpet in a very fast and economical manner. I grabbed a can of WD40 and some matches, and headed toward the towering pile of Berber. I used the WD40 as my makeshift torch to set the carpet ablaze and proceeded to uncap a cold PBR. A few minutes later, my recently divorced neighbor Cleetus came over to check out the scene. He came back with a cooler full of cold ones and a pickup truck full of Ikea furniture his wife purchased, right before she loaded the car and took the kids back to Texarkana. "This ones for you b%#&h!" he exlaimed, as he tossed his brand new IKEA Lerberg Coffee Table on top the pile. I wanted to cry. Not because I felt sorry for him, but because I love IKEA furniture. It scratches my Metro itch but fits my Billy budget. I didn't have the heard to tell him to stop. We cranked up the AC/DC, shotgunned 12 PBRs and kept piling on particleboard furniture while spewing expletives at his exwife.

At about 12:15 AM three fire trucks came roaring down our street. I'll just say the fire chief was not amused. Instead of saving a $40 trip to the local dump, I received a $1200 ticket for conducted a controlled burn without a permit. I argued that the fire was clearly out of control and therefore his ticket was invalid, but he would hear none of it.

Lesson to my metrobilly brethren:
1) carpet is 93% petroleum and 100% flammable
2) fire chiefs carry real handcuffs and have arrest powers
3) be selective about who you allow into your carpet burning circle
"Recently-divorced-unhinged-neighbor-guy" will give you problems 99 times outta 100

Peace Out,
The MetroBilly

World's Ugliest Dog Named After World's Bestest Beer

That's right, you read it here first...unless you read it somwheres else first. The 2009 World's Ugliest Dog hath been knighted. His name is Pabst. That's just too cool 4 school. Since he won first place, he is now Pabts Blue Ribbon winner of the 2009 World's ugliest dog competition. Sweet!

It was a tight race this year. Good thing my aunt Darcy wasn't in the hunt. She'd have run plumb away with the title. Everybody knows I like a good underdog, no pun intended, so I reckon it would be worthwhile to post the almost-winners.

Twitter Back Y'all

Just got back from the city after visiting my highschool buddies. Seems that twitterin' is the new facebookin', so figured I would join the twits. Where I'm from, twitterin' was somethin' the kids on Oxycondone did, or maybe that was tweakin'. I don't rightly recall. My uncle used to widdle alot, so I bet he would be pretty good at twitterin'.

Just please don't tell the boys back in West Carolina that I twitter. A man could get a good floggin' around here for such things. I need to balance my Metro side with my Billy ways, to keep peace amongst my diverse friends and acquaintances. Anyway, twitter me when you get a chance (that just sounds dirty and wrong.)

The Metrobilly

PS: Check out my Metrobilly Iphone. Bad to the Bone.

MetroBilly Sighting!

We found him!

See if you can guess where he is (hint hint...it rhymes with Byrtle Meach)